Today I am taking back what's mine. More on that below, but first a warning:
Due to personal sanity issues there will probably be a few of these kinds of photos in the next week or so. If you don't like them its probably best to take a break and come back in a week or so. Cheers!
:-)
As part of my "back to school" (read university) journey I am completing a Bachelor of Social Science majoring in Sociology and Gender Studies. As part of one of my GS subjects we have to create a wiki in a group (ps I hate group assignments, that is all) on any issue covered (or alluded too) in the unit, which pretty much means if you're at all decent at bending a topic to suit your will you can choose anything at all.
My group chose *drumroll please*…
Feminist Porn.
Yup, thats right, WTF have I gotten myself into (and I can't even complain because it was my idea in the first place).
Anyway thats not the point.
The point is that I was shocked to discover that as a result of all of the reading I have had to do - for the subject in general + feminist theory + feminist porn debates + is it even possible for porn to be 'feminist' anyway, general subject discussions on the subject forums and the overwhelming sense of body discomfort, sex negativity and slut shaming present within - that I have been internalising some of this negativity.
I've been so uncomfortable and so on edge and just so exhausted by the constant defence. There is a lot of great and empowering material to be read but there is also a lot that claims to be "in the defence of women" - against objectification, degradation and all things 'raunch culture-esque' - that it becomes so extreme as to claim that ALL women are being used and if they don't feel it then they are just brainwashed.
The pole dancing fitness fad is by many taken to be a high indicator of the prevalence of "raunch culture" and the "sexualisation of women and youth." This is where I get depressed.
I grew up in a world where as a young woman I felt I was expected to be sexy but not to be sexual. To look available and worthy of lust but not BE available. It's that thin red line you tread because even to appear to be a sexually comfortable can - scratch that - does lead to the l judgement by peers, elders and all sorts of people who really have no right to have an opinion. In this world you are damned if you do "slut" and damned if you don't "tease/snob/uptight"
It is with hindsight that I can say that I never felt truly comfortable in my own skin until I started pole dancing. You see I wanted to be wanted to be seen but at the same time feared the attention of others because that might imply that I was appearing to available or desperate. Walking down the street a wolf whistle or car horn sounding would make me cringe and withdraw within myself. The pole studio was this world where I was finally given permission to be sexy AND appear sexual without having to fear any negative consequences. And the knowledge that a safe place like that existed was a revelation. Over time (okay obviously there are other factors too but this was a major one) this inner confidence and self-respect (you know, the one people are always talking about) started to grow which lead me to a place where my whole relationship with myself and my expectations of other peoples behaviour changed. I no longer cringe and withdraw at the things that used to trigger me before because the behaviour of those aggressors has no effect on my own perception of me and my inherent value.
There is this weird thing about consent that if you don't feel you have the freedom to say "no" then you are not capable of truly saying "yes" whist at the same time, if you don't also feel that you have the freedom to say "yes" then you are also almost incapable of being convincing in saying "no."
Pole finally gave me the "yes" I felt I had been lacking and so I feel more comfortable, more convincing saying "no."
So whilst there is balance in a lot of what I am reading, I have been particularly susceptible to the negative this week and it got to the point where I started to feel like they were taking away my yes - taking away my agency of my own body and that meant that my "no's" got softer and I started feeling smaller.
This was not acceptable to me so I decided to be proactive and take it back. This I literally did by dedicating a few days of my 365 to nudes. Judge me how you want but this makes me happy and its helped me feel strong again. I guess you could say this is my rebellion - I am taking back what's mine, my body, my agency and my yes. I am saying yes. For a photo anyway.
And with that I am done! Apologies if I lost anyone in there, if it doesn't make any sense… It's late and there is a lot going on in my mind. But I feel a bit better now :)
Much love,
D.
