Something happened today, and its not a big deal, no one died, everything is okay, but it made me sad enough that I cried. And thats okay. What amused me though was the little voice inside my head that said, "you should photograph this emotion, you should use it in the 365 project" even though by that point in time I had a perfectly good shoot planned and had no intention of sharing the intimate details of this ongoing source of woe. What I do want to talk about is emotions and sadness in general.
I have an interesting relationship with emotions, I choose to feel them rather than block them out or rationalise them away. So if they are getting particularly overwhelming and I feel the need to cry, well I allow myself the release of crying; and conversely if they imbue me with the urge to jump up and down, run on the spot wave my hands in the air and do 20 star-jumps like a crazy woman... well I do that too, whatever works really, within reason.
I used to feel guilty whenever I was sad, I'd try to ignore it, block it out, overcompensate in public but all that resulted in was a build up of emotional pressure and myself a walking time bomb about to explode in the face of some random undeserving innocent.
Crying is my emergency release valve and since I have come to turns with the presence of the occasional sadness in my life I no longer feel guilty when I let it out. Am I making any sense?
Emotions exist, they happen, I don't know, something scientific is going on, some neurones sending messages to various parts of your body - release the butterflies! and fire the adrenaline! - I am not up to date on the physiological details, just enough for it to make sense. But you can't control them. Wait, I don't want to get into trouble with any CBT therapists out there but even then, its all about controlling your thought patterns to influence your feelings... so the emotions are still there right?
Somehow, for me at least though, accepting their inevitability, acknowledging their cyclical and transient nature, allowing myself to feel them, to experience their depths and then to be capable of analysing their origins means that they ultimately lose their power over me. I feel them but I am not controlled by them.
Okay so I am sad, my mind and body tells me this is so, but there is nothing wrong with that and even this too shall pass.
So I am all zen about this whole thing right? But it must also be said that emotions, especially so called "negative" emotions affect people other than the person directly experiencing them. In my experience "negative" emotions make other people uncomfortable, and because they feel uncomfortable they are constantly trying to "make it better" to "solve the issue". We're all so obsessed with being happy that we are not prepared to just sit with a feeling that is anything else. Anger, conflict, anxiety, jealousy, confusion, angst, even boredom become feelings to avoid but , in reality, they are a part of life and accepting their existence takes away their power.
So these days, when I am experiencing an emotion and I feel the need to cry I ask for what I want. Whether that be sitting alone with the emotion, calling a friend and saying "hey I'm feeling a little vulnerable at the moment and I really need to cry, do you think you could let me do that whilst you talk about something, anything so I don't feel so alone?" or like when my parents broke up a few years ago and all my friends wanted to talk about how I was feeling and untangle the web of thoughts running through my head and I just said "look guys, I really just need a safe place to cry and feel loved right now, do you think we could all just sit on the couch, put on a crappy movie with lots go buff half naked guys and you could all hug me laugh and make silly jokes while I cry?" (side note,: they totally did)
***
1. Sit in front of the camera having set up the tripod and lighting and found the remote you haphazardly disposed of after yesterday's photo adventures. Your feeling sad right now but the immediacy of the emotion has been overwhelmed by the practicalities involved with setting up for a photo-shoot.
2a. Laugh for a little while as you become more and more aware of the absurdity of this situation... Are you seriously considering using your own emotions, the ups and downs of your everyday life as fodder for a silly little 365 project?
2b.Allow the laughter to settle into tears and sobs because even though this photography assignment has momentarily distracted you, you are in fact still very sad and haven't finished crying yet.
3. Take a deep breath and look into the lens. Yes you are going to do this, it makes sense because while it started out as an exercise in photography (and still is that as well) it has turned into more of a creative representation of all of the aspects of your person - the creative, the fun, the silly, the physical, the dreamer the joy... but it won't be complete without something to represent the sadness too.
Press the remote shutter release - 1, 2, 3 *click!*
4. Phone buzzes, its an email from one of your close friends, she doesn't know it yet but she's said just exactly what you needed to hear. Laugh because it feels good and it feels right. Smile at the camera and take one last picture, the tears are drying now and you can feel a genuine smile coming on. Your still sad, but your also happy and in this moment feeling especially loved and that deserves to be seen too.
***
And I think thats enough from me for one day.
Much love,
D.
Much love,
D.
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