a poem and a few thoughts

WARNING
by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit on the pavement when I am tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along public railings

And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other peoples' gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

***

Mum introduced me to this poem today, and it was love at first sight. I think it has something (a lot) to do with its irreverence, kinda reminding me of Billy Conelly and how at the end of each of his series (show?) he does something in the nudder... I've always wanted to have the guts to do something like that... but I hear that such public displays are illegal and can get you into trouble from the police... so your all safe for now. Then again maybe its just because I can see so much of myself in this poem...

In any case, I'll have to be satisfied with what's described in the poem. As many of you who know me personally will recall, I already do most of the stuff here anyway... I wear bright colours in the middle of winter because everyone else thinks its only appropriate to wear black, and if you were to see me as I walk through the city crowds on my way to uni you would be forgiven for assuming I'm a little messed up in the head, as I smile to myself, imagining the view above, my colour (and if I'm honest my cleavage too - never dismiss the cleavage... after all its always there and I can't escape it so there is really no point in trying to hide it) in the sea of black.

Oooo... and I do sit on the pavement when I'm tired, and the station escalators and any old set of stairs (especially the train stairs in morning peak hour) and, well, just about anything that will take my weight off my feet. Apparently this is a strange habit, I don't really understand why, it has always made sense to me. When I was younger and felt any form of discomfort, my thought process - and from memory that of my cohorts also - went something along the lines of: Feet hurt. Sit down. It was a simple as that... but as I begin to 'grow up' as it is so termed, I have noticed that its starting to become a little more lonely, down on the pavement. In fact an old friend, who used to (back in the olden days of first year) catch the train home with me after wednesday night labs, called me his little homeless friend because I didn't really care where I sat or who saw me :-D

... and run my stick along railings... I do that too... except I don't always have a stick so I generally just use my finger and clean the dirt off later... :-P

So, I suppose what I've been wondering is, why do I do all this? and what makes these actions so important...

I think part of it is just because they are little things in my everyday life that make me happy, little rebellious moments where I choose to stand out from the crowd and embrace my inner child. Like when I take my Mickey Mouse pen into an exam (which for your information, one of my exam supervisors couldn't help but comment on the other day... in my bad exam... you'd think that would be distracting but it really helped), they kind of remind thats its not all about the big picture and that it okay to just be, be happy, be in the moment, be average, be worse than average, be whatever, be me.

I mean, I do these things because I HAVE to remember, to FORCE myself not to care sometimes, because if I care too much about what other people think I'll forget what I think. And I think that its crazy and stupid to think that I have to act all grown up all the time, or that now that I am of a certain age, I'll have to wait until I'm "old" to act a little crazy again because... because what if I don't make it, what if I don't get to that age where its acceptable to act a little crazy and wear funny hats, even worse, what if I DO get there, but after all the years of being grown up and living for others - for work, for kids, for a husband - I've forgotten how to sit on the pavement when my legs get tired or that sometimes its fun to wear clothes that don't match.

Maybe I'm just a little less than a hop-skip and a step away from being that eccentric that walks up and down the street and everyone just wants to send to a mental institution. But I honestly think about these things all the time (is that normal?)

I think I've said enough for today. Does anyone want to add some other notes?
nighty night
D.