This is me...

OK so early on this week i was in... well what can only be described as a depressingly reflective state of mind (yea thats right I blame Investment Analysis!!! Those who invented this subject should be shot... most of it can't even be proven anyway so what is the point ?!?!... yea i know... I'm not disillusioned / cynical at all :-P)

It was a dark place, it scared Eddy, it scared my mum and well it even freaked me out a little. Luckily i have since recovered and am back to normal :-D Its amazing the difference a few hours and stepping outside of your comfort zone can make.

But, during my self-indulgent and mopey period i embarked on a project... i wanted to know... WHO AM I? So, here's what i came up with.... and at the risk of sounding like a certain Disney starlett.... this is me:

My name for the purpose of this post is Darcy, I am a business student at a Sydney University who spends all of my spare time (and all of my not so spare time such as now) reading photography magazines and browsing fashion mags. I have recently started learning to sew, which I love, but this has taken a back seat to uni which started back 3 weeks ago.

I think I take a while to get to know... I find it hard and stressful to be 'out there' and demand attention, I would much prefer to be the one giving people my attention, which someone has to do :P. But isn't really conducive to making new friends. I think when some people first meet me they think im a snob, but really when I first meet people most of the time im just freaking out trying to remember how it is that I hold a conversation with my friends. Its a surreal experience most of the time because I can see myself giving short answers and I know that if I was the other person I'd get bored and walk away, but at the same time I can't think of how to elaborate and keep a conversation flowing.

Maybe as a result of this or maybe for some other reason entirely I hate 'going out.' I don't particularly feel at home in bars or nightclubs, the eardrum bursting music and the dark lighting make me feel even more closed off and self conscious than usual (which is also probably not really helped by the fact that I don't like drinking... Im a bit too much of a control freak (the loss of my senses really freaks me out), however, I love having friends over and hosting parties, that way I have something to do if I get the feeling that im getting awkward. Things just feel easier when im multitasking, talking at the same time as cooking or organizing an activity :P. This isn't normal for a 19 year old is it????

I'd love to say that I don't care what people think of me as long as I am happy but in the interests of being honest, this is just not true. I am jealous of my little sister who wants to live her dream of performing on stage, not for the reasons you may think though... I am jealous that she has a dream and that gives her purpose. You see I have 2 real fears in my life. I can deal with bugs and spiders and even heights if I have to but I am petrified of being cold. (Not just that normal cold though, its that cold where you can't even remember what it feels like to be warm, where your fingers and toes have ceased to feel part of your body and your brain refuses to think... Just the idea gives my the freaks). I am also afraid that I will never live my life, that I am in danger of putting off the 'life' part until I retire and then finding that its too late, im afraid that this fear will one day become a self fulfilling prophecy (does anyone else relate? Or is it just me?).

I am over studying, it feels like a necessary evil that I must get through to the point where the idea of failing a subject this semester moves me to tears (in fact it did last night) but I can't see a way around it (the fail or the studying?). Maybe this comes back to the whole 'waiting for life to begin' thing again???

I love to read... In fact I think I may live most of my life in a kind of dream world where fiction meets reality, its a fun world to live in most of the time, but it can also get a bit lonely.

Wow... This seems like a depressing read... I swear I mean almost all of these things in a good way, a happy way even but they came out a bit sad. (wonder how I can fix that? Suggestions?)


P.S. WHAT DO I WANT FROM LIFE? I want to be happy. I want to find a job that i enjoy and lets me work to live not live to work.