It is the end of my work day and I am walking the 300 or so meters from my workplace to my car to drive home, I am wearing the pink playsuit you see in todays picture with a pair of flat shoes so it is relatively casual but appropriate for the work I was doing today. In front of me about 10 meters away is a woman of between 50-60 years walking in my direction. I do not know this woman, have never walked past her on this little journey of mine before and there is no reason for us to treat each other any different to any other pair of strangers who pass each other on the same footpath. I look up, we make eye contact, I smile as I am want to do and she doesn't respond. She sticks to her side of the footpath and I to mine and so I assume that we will just pass each other with no further communication occurring. Then, in that fraction of a second when two people who are walking in opposite directions actually pass each other she pipes up glances pointedly at my thigh and in a tone I can only describe as disgust says:
"Well. Thats a substantial bruise"
And continues walking! I am sorry, look, I know that I am currently in possession of a pretty impressive bruise on my right thigh (see this picture for evidence although it is substantially less visible now) but I just do not know what would possess someone to say something like that. I do not know what the purpose was. I was flabbergasted and embarrassed not least of all because A) I hadn't noticed that my bruise was on display today and B) I fail to see why my bruise would be any of her business.
The only method I can think to accurately describe the way I felt in that moment is the feeling of shock, guilt, shame or self-consciousness one feels when you're a woman, minding your own business and you walk past some random guy who feels the need to shout "nice rack" or something of the like when you have just reached the point where you have your back turned to them. Only this was so much worse! I can deal with boys and men being dickheads. When a guy does this it has nothing to do with expressing an appreciation for the aesthetics walking by and everything to do with control and asserting their authority and ownership of everything in their physical area. A sort of animalistic territory claim if you will, that is designed to make the other party feel small, self conscious and weak. As this kind of behaviour has been an unfortunate component of my reality ever since puberty I have come to expect it, I know it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them, their own insecurities and impulse control issues and so have developed defences that protect me from their effects and, if I feel the need, an arsenal of one liners to throw back in my own attack.
But this… I have no protection for this.
For arguments sake let us play a little game and list the possible reasons I might have for being in possession of a giant bruise on my inner thigh and then consider the various responses one might have expected me to have to this woman's comments were they the case…
1) I am a pole dancer and have been learning a new move and so as usually happens have developed bruising in the areas of my skin that are not used to such exertions.
Okay so this one might be true, maybe through some psychic ability she knew I got my bruises from pole dancing and this was her attempt at vocalising her disapproval and making me feel small. Well goal achieved! But let us try something more realistic shall we?
2) I fell really hard and landed in an exceptionally awkward position and this resulted in bruising.
3) I am in some kind of abusive relationship and this is the latest in a string of many physical manifestations of this abuse
4) I have leukaemia and my bone marrow is no longer producing enough platelets and so I am bleeding into my skin
5) I am interested in some form of BDSM and had an exceptionally orgasmic scene on the weekend that left me with bruising all down my inner thigh.
Just in case I have missed something, can someone PLEASE tell me in which one of these situations would this woman's demeaning sneer in reference to my bruising without engaging in further conversation but just walking away have produced any outcome other than the self-conscious disempowerment I mentioned above? Under what circumstances could this comment have been productive?
I like to think the best of people and so I spent the entire car trip home trying to determine a possible positive motivation for her comment and subsequent actions but I have since discovered that I am not capable of doing so. Which leads me to think that her purpose must have been to belittle or demean me and then my next question is WHY?! What possible benefit would she get from doing such a thing to a complete and total stranger? Did she want to start a fight? Was she having a bad day and wanted to drag someone else down with her? Did she just forget to put on her social courtesies filter today and so was vocalising any random thought that came into her mouth?
Anyway, I get home after all this and find myself with a great feeling of unease. I just can't relax, I can't sit within myself and feel calm and although nothing is really happening physically I feel out of control and am aware of this sense of extreme disconnect between my 'being' and my body (this brings back faint memories of a discussion about the mind-body cartesian split but more on that another day). As a general rule I tend to be quite centred within myself, my body and my senses and so I find this feeling of disconnect to be rather distressing. I need to do something to centre myself, I need to reassert my sense of ownership and control over my body and I guess this is where today's photo comes in.
Whenever I am feeling uncentered or disconnected in this manner I find that the best way to reconnect with myself is to get out and do something physically demanding. Now due to its association with todays incident I didn't feel like pole dancing would help and as it was quite warm today, the sun was strong and I didn't want to get burnt, a run wasn't high on my agenda either. I seriously considerhed jumping up and down on my bed while playing music really loudly but made the unfortunate mistake of telling mother about this idea before it was immediately shut down. So barani's (no handed cartwheels) it was! It has been oh about 5 years since I last attempted a barani however after about 15 minutes and a few stacked landings on the grass I got the hang of it back ;-) and then because I am technically allergic to grass and my skin was all itchy and red, a strip and a quick swim ensued and then all was right with the world :-).
Anyway, thats all for today.
Much love,
D.
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